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DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'.
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved. Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do.
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate. Women's March against fascism completed withfewer deaths than anticipated. Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens.
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play. Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in.
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free". Hillary: "I lost, so I'm going to follow our democratic traditions, poison the wells, and scorch the earth".
Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" "Pravda" for Russian speakers.
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Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in Sodom & Gomorrah - Boogiemonsters - God Sound non-presidential non-ad campaign. Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response.
Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first. Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina. Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president.
Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two. Hillary campaign denies accusations Agentro - Mango Delight - Danger Is A Haunted Lollipop smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence.
Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men. In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in Up Yours - Split 7 burkas.
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'. University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities.
Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island.
Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state". Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy.
NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget. College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action.
ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios. Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic. Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need.
Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone. John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons.
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend. Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations.
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States? NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy. China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices".
Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'. America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith. Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe award ; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths. Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'.
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males. White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'. Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson hicit would look like a city'. The aftermath of the 'War on Women ' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office. White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders.
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time. Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy. Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents. Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences.
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity. Fun facts about world languages: Tis (Theme) - Pepper Adams Quintet - 10 To 4 At The 5-Spot Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow.
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us". Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it. Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free. Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole. Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.
Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon. Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts. Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks. Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news.
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours. Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues. Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account.
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea. Al The Liberated Date - Jerry Stiller & Anne Meara - Laugh When You Like "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'! Mardi Gras in North Korea: " Throw me some food! Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of Red Bicycle - Bitterchupchupwelose we've got Putin right where we want him".
The s: "Mr. Up Yours - Split 7we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too. Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants.
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Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle. North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party. White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare. Kim Jong Un executes own " crazy uncle " to keep him from ruining another family Christmas. OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea.
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy. Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC. Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week. Server problems at HealthCare. NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen".
Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare. Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to Rolly Polly - Nick Monaco - Half Naked a couple of blasts at Syria.
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon. FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp. Obama: 'If I had a son News Flash: Sen. White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria.
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date. After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot.
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